In The Flesh
The name's Janine.
Born on the 29th of May.
Middle School English teacher
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Saturday, April 14, 2012
A friend once asked me why I choose to write or blog if I don't have any readers. I answered him with an eyebrow raised. People write for different reasons (as a Communication Major, he should know that). Some choose to write blogs for affirmation a some simply choose to write for self-expression. I, for one, write for release. Nothing else. If you are one of those VERY FEW people who have been reading my blogs since 2004, you would notice that I usually post entries when I need to rant or when something eventful happens. So, there.
I guess I've had that need to write things down since forever. When I was a kid, I used to own journals. Anything and everything that happened to me back then is documented in those pages. I never held back. The thought of being able to write freely without people judging my thought made me feel at ease. So I wrote and wrote and wrote until I filled up five thick notebooks with rants and rambles of my day-to-day escapades.
But I guess writing privately had its cons too. I never had the guts to tell or show others how I really feel. Always hiding behind the pages of my journals, listening and observing during class debates when I had so much to say, even shutting up during class recitation sessions when I was too afraid to be judged by the world. I couldn't stand up to people. I had this feeling that my thoughts and ideas were invalid and simply unworthy of affirmation from the people around me.
Then one day, my mom found my journals. Read all my entries, from day one up to the present. All my secrets, fantasies (oh yes, there were a lot), rants, escapades, sins, etc. were exposed to one person. This made me feel so bare and violated. I stopped writing ever since.
Yet, here I am today, writing-typing-ranting away again. What made me write after all those years? I really don't know. Even after the self-psychoanalysis, I can't seem to figure out the trigger to me expressing myself again. I guess the need to write was just too strong and I couldn't hold back anymore. Or maybe I couldn't find any other outlet that could make me feel free.
Whatever it was, I'm glad it happened. The fear of judgment was overcome by the need to express. I can finally write again. After all those year...
I guess I've had that need to write things down since forever. When I was a kid, I used to own journals. Anything and everything that happened to me back then is documented in those pages. I never held back. The thought of being able to write freely without people judging my thought made me feel at ease. So I wrote and wrote and wrote until I filled up five thick notebooks with rants and rambles of my day-to-day escapades.
But I guess writing privately had its cons too. I never had the guts to tell or show others how I really feel. Always hiding behind the pages of my journals, listening and observing during class debates when I had so much to say, even shutting up during class recitation sessions when I was too afraid to be judged by the world. I couldn't stand up to people. I had this feeling that my thoughts and ideas were invalid and simply unworthy of affirmation from the people around me.
Then one day, my mom found my journals. Read all my entries, from day one up to the present. All my secrets, fantasies (oh yes, there were a lot), rants, escapades, sins, etc. were exposed to one person. This made me feel so bare and violated. I stopped writing ever since.
Yet, here I am today, writing-typing-ranting away again. What made me write after all those years? I really don't know. Even after the self-psychoanalysis, I can't seem to figure out the trigger to me expressing myself again. I guess the need to write was just too strong and I couldn't hold back anymore. Or maybe I couldn't find any other outlet that could make me feel free.
Whatever it was, I'm glad it happened. The fear of judgment was overcome by the need to express. I can finally write again. After all those year...
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Testing the Blogger App
Currently using the Blogger App on J's iTouch. He let me use his because he bought an iPhone. Jeez. Before, it was an iPad. Now this. The good side, I have a pretty gadget I can use. Harhar.
Just made a Lovers' Playlist. Sounds cheesy. It really is. I just need a random music boost right now. All my old playlists are, well, old. Old playlist, old boyfriend, old life. Time to get rid of everything old.
Just made a Lovers' Playlist. Sounds cheesy. It really is. I just need a random music boost right now. All my old playlists are, well, old. Old playlist, old boyfriend, old life. Time to get rid of everything old.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
I just had this sudden realization... My current relationship with J isn't just going in circles; it's going downhill. I can see the same fucked up pattern that my relationships took in the past. With A, with J (the ex)... In the beginning, it was sooooo okay. Then it got stagnant. That was understandable. But at this same point, I get to see sides of the person I'm with and actually think if this is what I want to deal with for the rest of my life.
Had a chat with a good friend over the phone two nights ago. Told me I had this need to "fix" people. And that all the guys I end up with are either weird or undeniably damaged. I can't help it. I attract people who are "damaged" and I am, at the same time, attracted to them. I need to do a little research...
So... after doing a little research (Yes, a huge pause in the middle of the post. Tee-hee.), I came across a few blogs by women who claim to have this weird attraction to so-called "damaged goods". (See blog post here.) Interesting to know that other women actually fall for the same guys as I do.
Do I expect too much? Am I such a relationship drag that I always have this need to be put on their list of priorities? Don't get me wrong. J's a good man. A good boyfriend, in fact. But sometimes, I just have this craving for attention and I simply do not know how to ask for it. He has other priorities. I get it. He has his job (which takes up most of his time), his family (I can't argue with this one), his "me-time", etc. Oh, well.
Reading that blog of his ex, though, made me think. He was like that before. These were the same reasons why the girl left him in the first place. He promised her a future. A good life. The M word always came up. But no. Plans remained plans. No movement. Stagnant. When he talks, he rambled about anything and everything for a good thirty minutes, and he doesn't even notice that the people he talks to drift away from the conversation already. The ex calls him a "narcissistic immature ass". Ouch there.
Maybe. Maybe I'm too accepting when I'm in love. Maybe my tolerance for "damaged people" is high, given that I deal with kids and those with special needs all the time. Then again, who isn't damaged? Hmm...
Eveyone has issues. When two people are brought together by either fate or sheer coincidence, they are forced to deal with each other's issues and differences. And what makes successful relationships work isn't the lack of issues and arguments but the ability of both "damaged" people to sort and work things out the best way they can.
At this point, all I can do is write (rather, type) things down. It's therapeutic. Like I don't have to do anything, but it makes me feel okay.
P.S. I just realized how bipolar this post sounds. :))
Had a chat with a good friend over the phone two nights ago. Told me I had this need to "fix" people. And that all the guys I end up with are either weird or undeniably damaged. I can't help it. I attract people who are "damaged" and I am, at the same time, attracted to them. I need to do a little research...
So... after doing a little research (Yes, a huge pause in the middle of the post. Tee-hee.), I came across a few blogs by women who claim to have this weird attraction to so-called "damaged goods". (See blog post here.) Interesting to know that other women actually fall for the same guys as I do.
I tend to go for the "Spock" guys. I mean good men, smart men, who at first get off on how emotional and spontaneous and fun I am. They enjoy the chase and the game, but once they've got me hooked, they return to their previously scheduled life and expect that I'll be there, because I've professed and shown love for them. I mean, they really are good men, but maintaining a relationship always falls somewhere below work and self actualization, such as furthering their education, working on their spirituality etc. They tend toward perfectionism and always have a reasonable justification about why I fall low on their list of priorities. - Wolvenchick
Do I expect too much? Am I such a relationship drag that I always have this need to be put on their list of priorities? Don't get me wrong. J's a good man. A good boyfriend, in fact. But sometimes, I just have this craving for attention and I simply do not know how to ask for it. He has other priorities. I get it. He has his job (which takes up most of his time), his family (I can't argue with this one), his "me-time", etc. Oh, well.
Reading that blog of his ex, though, made me think. He was like that before. These were the same reasons why the girl left him in the first place. He promised her a future. A good life. The M word always came up. But no. Plans remained plans. No movement. Stagnant. When he talks, he rambled about anything and everything for a good thirty minutes, and he doesn't even notice that the people he talks to drift away from the conversation already. The ex calls him a "narcissistic immature ass". Ouch there.
"Maybe because you put up with things like that more than others would."
Maybe. Maybe I'm too accepting when I'm in love. Maybe my tolerance for "damaged people" is high, given that I deal with kids and those with special needs all the time. Then again, who isn't damaged? Hmm...
Eveyone has issues. When two people are brought together by either fate or sheer coincidence, they are forced to deal with each other's issues and differences. And what makes successful relationships work isn't the lack of issues and arguments but the ability of both "damaged" people to sort and work things out the best way they can.
At this point, all I can do is write (rather, type) things down. It's therapeutic. Like I don't have to do anything, but it makes me feel okay.
P.S. I just realized how bipolar this post sounds. :))
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Here.
When I have nowhere else to rant, I turn to this blog. Nobody reads my posts here, which is why it feels so free writing here. The need to rant is satisfied, without me worrying if my grammar stinks or if my entries make sense.
J's back from Sydney. Called right after I sent the message. Which is a little annoying, given I was actually waiting for him to make the move this time. But anyway. Said he brought chips (I just love Thins), a big box of chocolates from his Tita, and a bottle of sparkling wine (story behind this will be relayed soon enough). Cool, yeah. Lots of pasalubong from down under. Still doesn't change the fact that I saw what I saw last night... *shrugs*
Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Maybe my faith in our relationship is slowly minified by my own insecurities. Maybe it IS just me. I don't know. The timing just seems a little odd. I guess I need to step back and reflect on why these things are happening and why these thoughts are always in my head.
By the way, it's gonna be the first Good Friday I won't be spending with the family. Going to Angono to join J's family in the annual procession. That would mean sacrificing a weekend at the beach with the entire Visaya clan (my Lola's side from my Dad's side). Will the trip to Angono be worth giving up the weekend with my family? Jon said I had a choice. That I could choose to join my family and that the trip to Angono would be the last option. But hell, this is the first time I'd ever been invited to a boyfriend's "clan get-together"... Now what?
Again, rants. I am deeply sorry to whoever's gonna get to read this.
Stalking is dangerous to your health. And sanity.
I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I did. Again. And now I have questions. And doubts. That which I do not know how to deal with at this point.
So I did a “little” stalking, yet again. It wasn’t my intention to do so, mind you. I was simply bored, so I checked out his profile. Followed some links to different profiles. And there I found an ex. One of the so-called “few”. So I clicked. And looked. And found a multiply site. And in this site, I found blog posts - ones that made me cringe like crazy and caused my utterly miserable insomnia right now.
And here I am at this point, where the ultimate question is, yet again, hanging over my head without any answers - Is this real? Rather, is any of it real? I hate this feeling and I hate being in this position. Yes, in the past, stalking did me good. I deliberately stalked my ex with the hope of finding answers to my pile of unanswered questions. And indeed, the universe gave me what I asked for. Answers. Eventually found out that my ex-boyfriend was (and still is, I suppose) a “sex addict” who flirts with, sleeps with, and collects girls. And to top it all, he had multiple girlfriends, including me and his ex-girlfriends, at the same time. Top that, assholes.
Anyway, I just got off the phone with a good friend of mine who “tried” to assured me that everything’s fine and that whatever I’m stalking is part of the past, yada yada. I told that to myself the last time I was in this situation, but look where it got me.
The funny thing is, all the rants of the ex about how he is are the same rants I have about him being my boyfriend now. Which is also what bothers me, seeing that post.
I guess the best thing to do at this point is to talk to him about whatever I found out tonight. It would probably make me look like a freaky stalker, but hell, I saw what I saw and I read what I read. And I need answers.
Funny how history can repeat itself. I just hope I didn’t just dig myself a hole I’d fall into again.